You are convinced I am broken. I’m not. I know it in my heart. I’m not broken because God calls me His child. You calling me broken does not make me any more broken than we all are. We’re actually all already broken because we’re human. You declaring I’m broken is just covering up the fact that you’re broken and you know it.  You’re just trying to hide it and ignore it. It’s not something you can change. You’re just running from it. I’m not anymore. We can acknowledge it. And accept it. We don’t have to be afraid.

I am not broken in desperate need of rebuilding. I’m already whole. I’m not a problem to be solved. I don’t need to be fixed. I’m a soul that wants to be known and loved. Don’t treat me like an issue that needs a solution. I see right through you. I know exactly what you’re trying to do. Don’t treat me like a mistake that needs correction.

Why do you break me so that I have to put myself back together again? Why am I guilty until proven innocent to you? Why am I dirty in your eyes? Explaining to you why I’m not these things is always an uphill battle I just don’t have the strength for. I can’t bear the burdens I put on myself, let alone the ones you put on me that you are never willing to carry. The burdens swamp around me and begin to get inside of me. They wrap around my heart and start to constrict its beating. Then they reach around my lungs and keep me from breathing. But when I get exhausted from carrying them, I cut it all off and burn it with the small strength I have left. I don’t deserve to carry it all.  I was meant to be free. I was made to fly.



I think I’m a giver. But when do I ever let myself receive?

It should never be that a person only gives and never receives.

I think I have a big heart. But how do I protect it while still using it?

My heart is for connecting, not isolating.

I think I’m pretty courageous. But how can I stand alone?

There’s always going to be something to be brave for. It’s not my fault to feel so scared.

I think I have a lot to say. But how can I explain myself and communicate?

I feel so much more than I can put into words but that doesn’t make me wrong.

Who I am is made in the image of God, Who is infinite love.

How can this expanse live inside a human body?

No wonder I feel a valuable gift in myself.

My spirit and soul are made of eternity.

I am not of this world.

Hearing us, being we.

Tell me the story of you.  I will listen.  Let me tell you the story of me.  Please hear me.  Wait for me to find the words to say.  Wait for me to shed invisible tears.  Listen as I sigh.  Laugh with me and cry with me.  And I will be with you.  And you will be with me.  If you won’t, you’re missing it.  You’re missing my life.  You’re missing me.  If our relationship doesn’t have both of us, it’s not a relationship.  It needs us both to be real.  It needs us both to be safe.  The space between us must include us both.

Three of the most important words in a relationship:  Look at me.  Look at my smile and see the tears I hide.  Look at my mask and see the sadness I ignore.  Look at my mouth and see the words I don’t say.  Look at my life and see the things I keep from you out of fear.  Look at my speech and see what I hold inside.  See me.  See what I avoid, see what I want, see what I’m scared of, and see what I love.

We can both give and receive.  We can both live our lives being heard and listening.  We can and should.  We need each other.  Otherwise we have no water while the river runs by us.  Without the water of relationship we shrivel up and die.  Scoop up some water in your hand – the water of sharing ourselves.  We were made for togetherness.  Without each other, we are missing part of us.

Theology of Skinny Jeans

Written in December 2016 for the Womanhood and Manhood sermon series at Cornerstone Church Simi Valley in January-February 2017.  

Posted in honor of International Women’s Day, March 8, 2017 and Women’s History Month, March 2017.

Recently a friend and I were talking about how I like wearing tight pants and I joked that I have a theology for wearing skinny jeans.  I mean, if I wear skinny jeans, why not have a theology about it?  So here’s my construed theology for tight pants: I think skinny jeans are one way to show the world I am a female.  By wearing them, I am displaying that my figure is feminine.  That must be Biblical, because I am female.  Therefore, the less ambiguous my outfit is about my figure, the better, right?  Not much of a theology though.

But really now.  You would think it would be easier for me to talk about something difficult if I make a joke about it, right?  However, I definitely do not think womanhood and manhood in the church is a funny topic for me.  It’s not something I can easily laugh about.  It’s hard for me to talk about and it’s actually a source of pain for me.  It’s far easier for me to just pretend it’s silly and have a made-up theology about skinny jeans.  It’s difficult for me to speak honestly about what I feel about womanhood and manhood in the church.

How can I laugh about a life-time of conservative Christian church indoctrination that told me by words or looks, silence and actions, that I dressed the wrong way?  Or that I wasn’t the right kind of girl?  Or that I didn’t do the things a Christian woman should do?  How can I easily talk about two decades of church people implying that I should only wear certain things, act a certain way, or do certain tasks that I had no preferential interest in?

How can I make you understand that I never felt valued when I was called a Tomboy?  How can I tell you that I never felt like a treasure because almost every sermon on marriage and almost every wedding ceremony message I heard were about women submitting to men like possessions, servants, bodies to be owned, had, and used?  How can I explain to you that I don’t want to look the way conservative Christians define as “feminine” but that doesn’t make me any less female?  How can I prove to you that I am woman enough when I shouldn’t even have to?

Is there any way to explain how much it hurts to feel less than the men in church?  Is there any possibility to convey that I never felt like I was good enough as a woman because I didn’t meet the church’s “feminine standards?”  How can I articulate the pain I still feel about all of this?  How can I let you know that most of the emotion I feel about this I can’t even put into words?  How can I describe to you that almost every time I walked into a conservative Christian church, I felt like a second-class citizen because I’m a woman, an unmarried woman, and furthermore, a woman who doesn’t subscribe to the “feminine prescriptions” of the conservative Christian church?

Why is this the case when the church is supposed to convey the grace and love of God to all people, not just men?  Why can’t I feel equal if I don’t look like so many other conservative Christian women?  How can I feel like I matter if I’m not bearing a child for a husband and therefore fulfilling the “only” godly purpose of womanhood by being a wife and mother?

I wish the church looked more like the God I know to have created me uniquely.  I almost believed that God looked like the conservative churches I grew up being disapproved by.  I thought God was disappointed in me but now I know He’s not.  I almost thought God would have preferred me to be male but now I know He wonderfully made me who I am.  I thought God wanted me to look and act and be a certain way but He gave me Jesus to look like.  There is no shame with God.  I learned so much shame from people, from church, from the world, and maybe even from myself.  But not from God.  He has a much better way.

My God sees people, His children as precious creations.  My God doesn’t assign levels of status or hierarchies of humans.  My God doesn’t give value based on women’s procreation or outside appearance.  My God doesn’t put worth on how I compare to other women.  My God doesn’t think me an object for male gratification.  My God doesn’t find me less than or not good enough.  My God never lays shame or guilt on me for my gender.  My God doesn’t think my words, thoughts, prayers, or feelings as any less important because of my being female.  My God always loves unconditionally.  My God is God even when His church has unknowingly conveyed wrong ideologies.

What if I felt just as valuable as men in church?  What if the church treated woman as equal to men?  What if women were not oppressed as being the lesser of genders?  What if I felt just as much of a woman as other Christian women, despite the fact I may not look or act like them?  What if I was encouraged in my freedom in Christ instead of confined to a small box of the conservative Christian church’s narrow expression of appropriate womanhood?  What if I felt appreciated for the uniqueness of my godly feminine expression instead of rejected for it?  What if God’s beautiful creation of me was accepted instead of being a disappointment?

I pray for the people of my generation.  I pray for the children of my generation.  I pray for the girls and boys growing up in church.  I pray they would be able to see the truth of God’s word being lived out in front of them instead of contradicted.  I pray that they would not see the womanhood and manhood portrayals in Hollywood, America and/or tradition as being Biblical.  I pray they would see God’s view of womanhood and manhood, which is this: that women and men are just people.  And that we are all created in God’s image.


I’m silent in my living, can you hear me sigh

I’m hurting, but my words won’t make you know

You won’t understand my screaming inside

How can I make you hear me when I’m quiet

I can’t convince you of my pain so why try

I can’t make you be with me so just go

What is wrong with me that I can’t explain

I’m somehow failing at the part of being with

Because I can’t draw you into my space

I only hurt you when I speak out of my heart

And share the burden that puts us both down

So what is this I’m supposed to do

And what’s the point anyway

I’ve been trying and now I’m done

Enough of causing myself more to bear

When I cannot create the balm

For wounds I did not cause

February, the last five years

Now that it’s mid-February, I was thinking and I realized that the month of February has often been a month of change for me.  Especially during the past five years, the month of February has been an incredible time of personal growth, decisions and realizations.  Here’s some of what God has done in my life.

In February 2012, I traveled by myself to four different music schools around the country to audition for graduate school programs.

In February 2013, I made the decision to start “talk” therapy with a licensed marriage and family therapist because of issues of depression and anxiety.

In February 2014, I made the decision to discontinue “talk” therapy and anti-depressant medication.

In February 2015, I made the decision to start “talk” therapy again and change churches.

In February 2016, I made decision to step down from the church music team to focus on different areas of ministry, such as writing and other areas of leadership.

In February 2017, after twenty-one years of music lessons, practice, tendinitis and two performance degrees on my instrument, I was hired to record for my first movie soundtrack.  This is a milestone in my profession.  I am humbled and blessed to have come this far.  It is only by the grace of God that I have gotten to this place professionally and can continue.

To continue, in this month this year, I am more authentically myself then I have ever been.  I am striving to be more honest and therefore more available for relationships.  I am determined to be more transparent and more able to invest in others’ lives.  I’m learning to listen to God more.  I’m getting involved in my church in more ways than ever before in ways that I’m truly passionate about.  I’m finding acceptance and meaning in the God who made me as He did in the ways He designed me to be.  Without the incredibly amazing work God has done throughout my life and especially during the past five years, I would be nowhere near the complete person I am today, living a full and abundant life in Christ.  Without God showing me His infinite and expansive love, I would not be at the place of wholeness, healing and health I am, by His grace.  And it is all for His glory.

Who knows what this month and year will hold for me?  Who knows what God has in store for me during the next five years?