2018 Year End Reflections

This year, I’ve come to know more of what I don’t know. And I am more comfortable with the unknown even though at times I am terrified by it. Maybe this is what makes me wiser. I am in the last year of my 20’s and I’m determined to always learn, grow and change, no matter what my age. I will never stop reaching.

This year I have done a lot of things I never dreamed of doing before. I have challenged myself. I have gotten out of my comfort zone. I have tried new things. I have spent time alone and with other people processing, thinking and maturing. I hopefully never give up these habits. I hope my future years will carry on the same patterns, yet perhaps in different ways.

However, I would hate to come across as bragging. But I will no longer put myself down in the name of perceived religious humility. In any case, with God enabling me to live every day this year, I was able to breathe in and out, move my body and reason with my mind. And use my days to accomplish things that I believe are good and filled with love, which is always how I aspire to live. While many of my dreams may not have been accomplished yet, I still did many of the things I set out to do from my post written February. https://victoryblue.wordpress.com/2018/02/20/february-2018/

In 2018, I lived. I wrote poetry and articles. I struggled with a lot of anxiety and worked through it. I attended social gatherings and went on dates. I met new people and made new friends. I drove hundreds of miles for work and each day I was grateful for having been spared injury or death on the road. I laughed and I cried. I sought to follow God. I found God both in and out of churches. I’ve wrestled with the tragedies of the Borderline shooting and California fires. I have heard of the abuse of so many I know and love and grieved. I’ve had hard conversations where I spoke up and listened. I voted in the midterm election. I got a gym membership. I started a new job. I had fun. I was my sister’s maid of honor.

I also struggled to make ends meet. I had to cancel my birthday party because I was sick for over a month. I played many performances in beautiful and exciting venues I’ve never played at before. I’ve read books and blogs and articles and educated myself on topics that are important to me. I started many new forms of self-care and have seen the positive impact. I started a new YouTube channel. I wrote my family’s Christmas letter. I have been present as a daughter, sister, friend, teacher and colleague.

I may write another blog post about the new year at some point. But for now, I wanted to look back and remember. I wanted to affirm what I have done and been through and experienced these past twelve months. And to know that I am enough no matter what I did or did not do.

Still

Trigger warning: mention of scars.

 

I kiss my scars

To remind me they’re not my fault

They are signs of my survival

Proof of life

I am a wealth of days

Ones that have taken their toll

And I have paid

The price was years

But I am rich now

Rich in having beat the odds

Having fought and won

Run ragged and still

I escaped with breath

Will anyone join me

Now

That I am alive again?

Release

I had to lose a friend today

Because time passed and I perceived

Our hearts spoke different languages

Both meaning such profound things

But we could only see one beautiful side of each other

And were blind to the rest of our unique splendor

 

I lost a friend today

Because our spirits were too far apart

Our steps didn’t have space to be made together anymore

Our existences only met in bits and pieces

Our eyes only saw us in fragmentations of our true selves

We found only part of what we were searching for

 

I lost a friend today

But not in my past

Where we felt some sort of glimpse of connection

Where we found the light of a fellow human song

An ear that tuned out the rest of the world to listen

An eye that saw our fading essence in vibrant color

A body that held space for our fascinating imperfection

A soul that was altered because of time spent interacting

 

I lost a friend today

But maybe only in my present

I hope our lives find each other again

Someday

When we’ve encountered other people

And grown even more soft and loving

Braver and whole and known

More sound-minded and less fearful

 

I lost a friend today

But I hope we meet more people like us

Ones that make us better

And encourage our wholeness

People that embrace us truly

For being more than enough

 

I lost a friend today

But maybe not forever

I hope we find ourselves

And what we very much need

That our road away from us only leads to greater discovery

Of truth, love and acceptance

 

I hope we are blessed with each other again

When we’ve attained more fullness

Because of all the sacred lives we will experience

I hope we don’t forget each other

Even if it hurts to remember loss

I hope we smile when we see each other

Knowing our lives are incomplete without the moments we shared

I hope we let go only to have more abundance

I hope the pain and fond memories help us on our way

I hope the thought of us reminds us of how short life is indeed

I know we have more valuable treasure because we gained so much

I know our lives are better because we knew us

 

Maybe we haven’t actually lost everything today

We really have so much more now

Because of us

Tide

I wander and waste

I am just waiting

Wanting

An endless expanse of giving

My heart an ocean

Who you made and I can’t escape

Falling over tumbling down

The waves crashing in all around

I cannot see or breathe

Calm the sea but you don’t

Peace the winds but you won’t

And here I am to fade

Fast and still

Thrashing until exhaustion, again

My own soul pulling me

Downward onward towards

This sea’s currents pushing me

I can’t stop what’s already in motion inside

Is there rest inside bottomless wake when doubt is confirmed?

Is there hope when it’s again deferred and sickness comes?

I know who I am

But why is the world not big enough

Expectant for the grandness of my belonging

Emptiness is here and searching makes tired

Keeping on instead of keeping

Makes ragged the lion

So the lion sleeps

And the world goes by

The ocean sounds in the distance

Grow silent in fog

And all will reemerge someday