February, 2018

Last year in February, I looked back and wrote about the five previous February’s and milestones from those years. I also wrote about my word for the year 2017. You can find those links here:

https://victoryblue.wordpress.com/2017/02/16/february-the-last-five-years/

https://victoryblue.wordpress.com/2017/02/02/truly-listening/

This year, for February, I pause to look forward and write about a word for this current year, 2018.

 

Dream – the loaded word I have for this year, just showed up in my thoughts one day in January and stuck there. I never thought of myself as a dreamer. I don’t think I ever allowed myself to dream because I didn’t see much value in it. I was always very goal-oriented and would work very hard to accomplish those goals.

 

And then something happened: I didn’t accomplish some of my goals. In a strange way, that opened me up to possibilities beyond just my previous goals. If I couldn’t attain them all, why stay stuck in the rut of pursuing them? Why not allow myself to dream dreams that possibly wouldn’t happen but just allow myself to dream them anyway?

 

This year, the word dream means many things for me. It means being creative, trying new things, and working on new projects. It means meeting new people, going to new events, and checking out new environments. It means being a safe place for people that I never thought I’d be a safe place for. It means being confident that my desires, hopes, and callings are good when they are from God and blessed by Him.

 

To me, dream means letting myself out of my comfort zone sometimes. It means stretching myself and exploring new things that I’ve been scared of before. It means even trying things I think I’ll be bad at and yet trying them anyway. It means enjoying the life I have created because it is what I enjoy. It means finding myself.

 

Dream in 2018 means allowing myself to hope. It means being vulnerable and transparent even though it may be terrifying. It means looking back at how far I’ve come and expecting great things to come in the future. It means looking forward to making and having even better relationships, ones that are reciprocal, healthy, and beneficial. It means praying for things to happen, and when they don’t, realizing that I can’t control everything.

 

What does dream mean to you? What’s your word for the year, if you have one? If not, what’s your new year’s resolution(s)? Or what do you hope for in 2018?

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Encompass, Envelope

Written on 2/14/18

 

Look at yourself and see all this beauty

You are perfect

Fill up your place

Take up your moment

In all of who you are

You belong here

Your presence is deserving

You are worthy of home

Your life, being, existence

Are so pure in life

Light it up

Let your heart beat loudly

For all to hear

You should never be silenced

I want to hear every word

I want to tell you how valuable you are

How you are a treasure needing to be seen

Don’t let them miss you

Show them your blazing eyes

Bare your bruises and bear your scars with pride

Hard-won battles of victory

I need you to be only you

I want you to know your preciousness

Don’t be ashamed of your glorious self

The very image of God divine finds rest in you

 

I would hold you

I wish I could watch myself back then

See where I was when it was bad

I wish I could be there for me

Feel what I felt and hold me tightly

 

I wish I could see what I looked like

Think my thoughts with me

I wish I could cry for me

And breathe my breath together

 

I wish I could adequately document

The miracle you made

The change I gradually lived

All I’ve done and become

 

Eventually you allowed the rain to fall

Crushing down burdens of shame

Dispelling fear and anguish

And finally creating days of healing

 

I wish I could see how far I’ve come

Count the moments and hours of time

I wish I could have been with me

In the pit where I was trapped so long

 

I was stuck there so far away and lonely

I had no idea why or how I got there

But now I can tell myself it was not your fault

You hardly did anything at all to get there

 

I wish I could see my body then

To mourn and weep with myself

I wish I could hear my lungs and heartbeat

Experience my every silent gasp

 

I wish I could remember my existence

The daily reality of being stifled

I wish I could be in the same room

To keep myself company

 

I wish I could tell myself it was ok

Even though it hurt so much

I wish I could just sit with me

On what would be such a long road

 

I wish I could tell myself

One day it would be over

All the excruciating suffering

Would end after a very long time

 

I wish I could say

Someday it will be better for you

Maybe no one will notice

But I will

 

Someday you would feel better

Different, alive, whole

Maybe no one will even realize

But I would

 

I would tell me that I saw every second

Every time you sat alone in pain

All the overwhelmingness we fought

I knew and felt and lived it with you

 

What you lived was never wasted

That time was not wasted

You are not a waste

You never were

Look at who you’ve become