Unheard

I’m silent in my living, can you hear me sigh

I’m hurting, but my words won’t make you know

You won’t understand my screaming inside

How can I make you hear me when I’m quiet

I can’t convince you of my pain so why try

I can’t make you be with me so just go

What is wrong with me that I can’t explain

I’m somehow failing at the part of being with

Because I can’t draw you into my space

I only hurt you when I speak out of my heart

And share the burden that puts us both down

So what is this I’m supposed to do

And what’s the point anyway

I’ve been trying and now I’m done

Enough of causing myself more to bear

When I cannot create the balm

For wounds I did not cause

February, the last five years

Now that it’s mid-February, I was thinking and I realized that the month of February has often been a month of change for me.  Especially during the past five years, the month of February has been an incredible time of personal growth, decisions and realizations.  Here’s some of what God has done in my life.

In February 2012, I traveled by myself to four different music schools around the country to audition for graduate school programs.

In February 2013, I made the decision to start “talk” therapy with a licensed marriage and family therapist because of issues of depression and anxiety.

In February 2014, I made the decision to discontinue “talk” therapy and anti-depressant medication.

In February 2015, I made the decision to start “talk” therapy again and change churches.

In February 2016, I made decision to step down from the church music team to focus on different areas of ministry, such as writing and other areas of leadership.

In February 2017, after twenty-one years of music lessons, practice, tendinitis and two performance degrees on my instrument, I was hired to record for my first movie soundtrack.  This is a milestone in my profession.  I am humbled and blessed to have come this far.  It is only by the grace of God that I have gotten to this place professionally and can continue.

To continue, in this month this year, I am more authentically myself then I have ever been.  I am striving to be more honest and therefore more available for relationships.  I am determined to be more transparent and more able to invest in others’ lives.  I’m learning to listen to God more.  I’m getting involved in my church in more ways than ever before in ways that I’m truly passionate about.  I’m finding acceptance and meaning in the God who made me as He did in the ways He designed me to be.  Without the incredibly amazing work God has done throughout my life and especially during the past five years, I would be nowhere near the complete person I am today, living a full and abundant life in Christ.  Without God showing me His infinite and expansive love, I would not be at the place of wholeness, healing and health I am, by His grace.  And it is all for His glory.

Who knows what this month and year will hold for me?  Who knows what God has in store for me during the next five years?

Love Conquers

Love is not sameness.

Love is not uniformity.

Love does not mean we believe the same things.

Love does not mean we look alike.

Love does not mean we agree.

Love is loving in spite of ourselves.

Love is loving because we can.

Love people without judging them for their baggage.

Yet love people while you still see them with it all.

And love them the same as if they didn’t have it.

Because we all have unlovable stuff.

That’s why we love.

Because we were made in the image of the One who loves unlovables.

Truly Listening

My word for this year (2017) is ‘listen.’  I think I’m a pretty good listener.  But I think I listen too well to people that are not best for me.  I think I listen too much to Christian people because I don’t trust myself.  I think I listen to the things they say because I think they speak for God.  But I forget that I have God inside myself in the form of the Holy Spirit.  And I have His word in the Bible.  God knows me better than anyone does.  And He knows better than anyone what is best for my life.

To me, since I call myself a follower of Christ, my number one priority is to listen to God.  But that’s hard to do when literally everything else around me is vying for my attention.  So that’s why this year I want to take several moments each day to listen to God and follow His leading in my life.  It’s less about me telling myself what I should and could do, and more about being loved by God and living in that love.  It’s about listening to God’s voice more and more and the other voices less.  After all, He was there before everyone else and will be there after everyone else as well.  So I pray and hope this year is a year of truly listening to the One who is truly worth listening to.  And that my life after this year is a courageous continuation of the steps I’ve taken in 2017.