Miracle

The past series has been a written depiction of my journey through depression as a Christian.  Although it’s merely a manifestation of the depression that I have been through, I think there may be some commonalities between me and others with depression.  I want to communicate my experience to others and this is just one of the many ways I have been endeavoring to do so.  After all, it’s through the darkness that we see light the most clearly.  Who knows what darkness can be avoided if we speak up to warn others and steer them towards the great Healer?

I would not trade this trial for anything.  I have come to see that I was saved by Jesus to have a relationship with God, who is a Person.  And I have come to live in that relationship by faith in Him.  I was not meant to be in bondage to a religion of rules.  I am under God’s grace and forgiveness and I now live like it.  I believe that this trial has enabled me to learn all these things and so much more.  My spiritual blindness and confusion, (although I was a Christian during depression,) would not have been shown to me if it were not for this trial.  And I would not have sought the light if I had not been in the dark for so long.  While I was angry at God for a time for putting me through this, now I am grateful to Him for allowing this trial or creating it, if that is what He did.  I would have it no other way.

I am alive today because God saved my life, literally, several times.  He has expanded my view of Him.  He has changed my perception of Him.  And He has enabled me to see that my relationship with Him is one of real love and acceptance.  I walk by faith and not by works.  I am grateful to be alive today because of His faithful power at work in my life.  He has used many people along the way to stand by me.  I am so thankful for the ones who have seen me, both then, and now.  I am at peaceful rest in God, who has delivered me and will continue to deliver me, no matter what.  He is a miracle worker.  I am His miracle.

So

This was written during a time of depression in my recent past while I was a Christian and still am one.   

These people just look at me and smile and then talk as if I’m not there.  Do I have a disease that you can’t be with me?  You don’t want me and I don’t know why.  You reject me before I even have a chance.  What can I do to make you stay?  How can I change your mind to not abandon me?  I can’t try any harder.  I won’t try anymore.  I am forsaken by you because you don’t even like me.  Because I must not be good enough for you.  You must be too far above me.  You must think I’m dirty and I’ll mess you up because I’m too hard to be with.  You don’t hear my screams because you’re too busy praising yourself for all your accomplishments.  Why can’t you stay with me?  Why do I disappoint you so much that you can’t bother to be with me?  Why am I so repulsive to you?  Why is there no room in your life for me?  Why is this the perpetual impossible dream?

Where are the people who will like me without me trying?  Where are the ones who will want me this way?  Where are them who will love me as I am?  Where are you who will include me no matter what?  Why are you so far away?  Why are you non-existent?  Where can I find you?  When will you be with me so I don’t have to be alone?  I wait for the day when I can be myself and not be lonely.  I long for you who will accept me.  I want you who will have room for me.  I don’t want to change anymore and I can’t wait to be with you who won’t expect me to.  You won’t want me to perform or pretend or anything.  You won’t put me in a box or stereotype me.  You’ll see my value because of who I am.  I am here but I don’t see you.  I’m bleeding out as I eek the days without you.  If you’re out there somewhere, come soon.