To Perfection

This was written during a time of depression in my recent past while I was a Christian and still am one

I’m pushing you out of my life.  You’ve beaten me up every day.  You can’t live with me anymore.  You’re a liar.  You promised success and religious achievement and instead you brought endless torture.  You stole my blood.  I’m sending you away and you may never come back.  You’re a fighter but I’m stronger than you.  You can’t stay anymore.  You think you can trick me but you can’t, I’ve had enough of you.  You have no place in me anymore.  Every day you’ve lived with me, you made sure I was crushed, kicked, punched, hit, and cut over and over.  You said I was worthless.  You said I was ugly.  But you’re always wrong.  You promised you would be helping me.  You even promised I would be better with your help.  But you are an illusion.  You are a deception.  You have taken years of my life.  You have kept me away from people.  You have starved me.  You have almost killed me.  You have done everything you can to make me suffer.  You have made me feel your favorite – pain.  You made me bloody.  You’ve made me alone, and you laugh when I’m lonely.  You love seeing me cry.  I hate you.  I’m sick of your manipulation.  I’m not going to be pushed around by you anymore.  You made me tired and exhausted from living.  I’m shutting you out.  I’m not going to listen to your yelling and screaming anymore.  I’m not going to be isolated by you anymore.  I won’t be scarred from you anymore.  I’m in control of my life now, not you.  You better get out.  I thought you would be nice.  I thought we would have a life together.  I even thought you were supposed to be with me to complete me.  But now I see you were blinding me and brainwashing me into thinking you were beautiful.  But you have ruined me so that now I see you for the destruction-machine you are.  I’m not going to listen to you anymore.  And now I’m free from you, no longer in your grip.  You made me think I was less than everyone else, a nobody, that I didn’t know anything.  You made me want things I should never have to want.  You changed my life to serve you.  You almost took my life.  And there’s nothing you like more than seeing me burn inside.  And burn I did.  You made me think that everything was my fault, that I wasn’t good enough, and that I was all wrong.  But guess what, you don’t have any more power, you’re done.  So pack your bags and get out, now.  You can’t stay another night.  Because I’m liberated from you. And you may not be here with me.  I’m covered now.  I’m safe from you.  I don’t need you anymore.  I don’t have to be afraid of you anymore.  You’re a parasite.  You’re the closest enemy disguised as the best friend.  You can’t have me anymore.  I’m taking back everything that’s mine.  You can never come back.  Get out.  And stay out.

Day in day out

This was written during a time of depression in my recent past while I was a Christian and still am one.   

Slow distracted time spent

I am a waste because I waste time

I want to see but cant

Feel too much for words

So drown me in endless changelessness

I must be turned selfless

Before I become unalone

But for now I am lonely

Cover and envelope, surround me

With compassion that I cannot give myself

I don’t know how I can’t because I strive

And then I’m burdened by fear

Guilt shame perfectionism instead

But you give me a blanket and I am

Protected safe secure taken care of

Nothing can hurt me

Not even myself

And then I become new and

Unafraid

Self-Accepted

Unsurround

This was written during a time of depression in my recent past while I was a Christian and still am one.   

SHUT ME OUT

because you are

how desperate do I need to be for you to see

how can I make you understand who I am lonely

do I need to shout it out loud in your face for you to hear

my broken bones crashing in a sea of blood from waves of glass

I am here but you are not

I am begging but you can’t hear

I’m empty caving in from the weight of eclipsing invisible

I cannot force your eyes open and your ears unshut

I am only screaming as hard as possible

with a smile on my face

because that only is acceptable

so there is no way to make you see me

impossibility finds no end in myself

i am alone

how can I describe the pain

of being rejected before I’m even known

because I’m not worth the effort

and it would be an effort doubtless

because I am not real

but since I pretend to be

I must perform

I hate this act

And where is the end of all this?

And

This was written during a time of depression in my recent past while I was a Christian and still am one.

Alone and
Lonely most
Connections lost
What’s the point
Too many things of fear
I’m afraid it will always be
Why can’t I change and be else
I want something different, inclusion
I have to accept not try to be I want to be free now
Wandering still onandonandonand still nothing no warmth
For someone to want me I perform pretend behave contrive myself
Of all that is despised to be desirable and lovable but I can’t, I’m tired
So I give up and bleed out this mess and I don’t know what to do but so what
Is reality really this?
When will my feelings sensitivity wants not curse me out?
Will I ever not carry burdenguilt estranged from human love?
Why is everything right but I can’t I’m lost from relief and community?
I want no shame or fear, stop being unfound helpless of hope
Where is purpose when no one sees or wants me?
Falling down getting nowhere abandon me
I cry screaming out to deafness
And who am i