[in]visible

This was written during a time of depression in my recent past while I was a Christian and still am one.

I’m here
But no one sees me
I am vacant
Void
I have nothing to say
Because I’m yelling so hard
I can’t hear myself think
Too much to feel
Too many, intense
I’m alone because
There are none to understand
I’m a cripple
Where is the relief I crave
Why can’t I feel together
When can I be unalone
When can I escape
To be who I want
Someone else
At peace
Unafraid

Whelm

This was written during a time of depression in my recent past while I was a Christian and still am one.

How can I live
This endless crushing
Of eggshells turned glass under my feet
Bleeding them into a hurt I feel
Though heartless inside is numb
I beat empty of sound
Vacant space alone and void
Surround me they can’t see
I notice all in wandering
Breathe limp and shaking
Breaking farther away I falter
Nothing matters desperately burning every day
I can’t hold the tide that folds me under
Lost in the pain like a single vein crushed
Fighting I fall, fail far away
And so much fear.
I crave to be
Seen
Heard

Depression

This was written during a time of depression in my recent past while I was a Christian and still am one.

Depression is no one listening. Or seeing. Or caring. Depression is feeling too much. It’s perfectionism turned negative and pessimistic. Depression is no one wanting to be your friend. Depression is hating, anger ruining your life, trapped inside a destruction machine. Depression is being alone and so much fear that it will always be that way. Depression is bearing all the pain by yourself and no one understands ever. Depression is hurting and pain. Depression is living a lie; that you fake being happy so that you can live in a world where no one wants to listen to the truth about you. Depression is trying so hard you give up because there’s no way out. Depression is all alone in a pit. Depression is darkness or grayness or nothingness or blank. Depression is forcing yourself to do whatever you have to do. Depression is wanting to run away and be someone else. Depression is illusions presenting themselves as desirable. Depression is yelling and burning up inside, burnt and bleeding endlessly, walking alone. Depression is encased in a fight where I cannot see or hear. Depression is wanting to be worth something. Depression is making yourself do the right thing because everything is hard. Depression is being tired bored exhausted lazy and furiously distracted quivering afraid of being alone. Depression is no pleasure. Depression is obsession with yourself because no one else wants you. Depression is confusion questions wanting surviving and breaking down. Depression is a tighter crushing box every day. Depression is everyone hurts you all the time. Depression is making mistakes over and over and never knowing what to do. Depression is not knowing how to act, how am I supposed to be real, is this even real at all? Depression is taking everything you have. Depression is battle all the time. Depression is making the world my enemy. Depression is the absence of reality. Depression is lungs being crushed and heart being extracted drained forsaken. Depression is being forgotten. Depression is piercing, pounding, pulsing. 

help

This was written during a time of depression in my recent past while I was a Christian and still am one.

I’m trapped
In a life
I cannot change
I hate the vacancy
The hurt nothing of
No value purpose
Stuck in a circle
Endless in turning
To find what is
Nowhere.
I can’t stand
The blankness of
Dishonest words
The helplessness
I feel and
Cannot stop.
I think on and on
But not ever
Understanding
Because I can’t
Following the steps
I have to
Being what I am
Helpless to get out.
I’m gone and still
I want to stop.

Here

This was written during a time of depression in my recent past while I was a Christian and still am one.

Sometimes I feel
Small
Like I don’t matter
Can’t be seen
Not there.
My mind is full
But I can’t speak
My heart bleeds
Overwhelming with blood
Filling me with
Feelings I can’t understand.
I am alive
But I can’t live
Can’t see
I don’t know
Falling down
Alone.
Faking the way
I know I should be
Following the steps
I’m destined to take
I don’t know where
I go
And it doesn’t matter
All I do
I should be the best
Try harder
Do more
Be better
But I can’t.
Where is my rescuer?