Untitled

This was written during a time of depression in my recent past while I was a Christian and still am one.

I choose I am nothing
To be something is overwhelming.
I am alone
Searching
Always looking
For the in between
The extremes I see.
I fear I am being burned alive
By the doubting, unknowing
Constant questioning, fearing
Never being peaceful
Because I must strive
Further harder onward
Because I am not good enough.
Never at rest
Always working
I try being different
Changing me
My eyes can sleep
But I don’t
My heart will beat itself
Dry of blood in efforts
To pursue what I should.
Can I live much longer
In this my endless unsuccess
Of wandering? 

Time

This was written during a time of depression in my recent past while I was a Christian and still am one.

Now is an eternity between what I have and what I hope for.
Someday is a day that never comes.
The past is just a life of mistakes.
Tomorrow never becomes what I long for.
Today is always longer, harder, colder.
Yesterday hurts.

Forever in heaven can’t come soon enough. 

i am just words on a page

This was written during a time of depression in my recent past while I was a Christian and still am one.

floating drifting searing sifting dripping falling fearing feeling facing fighting bleeding crying pleading sleeping fading wasting failing regretting losing questioning suffering struggling benumbing beating limping existing surviving enduring being entrapping breathing lazing disappearing

you Splinter me
i am Fractured space
invisible
and Passive

Where are you?

This was written during a time of depression in my recent past while I was a Christian and still am one.

God, where are you when I’m lonely? Where are you when I’m scared? Where are you when I’m so alone that I want to be with someone, anyone, and yet so worried that I can’t handle it? Where are you when I don’t know what to do? Where are you when I am asking you for help? Where are you when I’m so tired of surviving, I just want to start thriving? Where are you when I’m just trying to live the life you made for me and I can’t? Where are you when I’m alone? Where are you when I hurt? Where are you when I’m mad because I can’t deal with the pain? Where are you when I hate my life? Where are you when I cry? Where are you when I don’t care anymore? Where are you when my chest caves in and my heart bleeds? Where are you when I don’t understand what you want from me? Where are you? What am I doing wrong?
I don’t know what you want from me. I’m doing everything I can. I am shattered. My life is hopeless because I can’t hear you. I can’t listen. I stretch for you but I can’t find you. I search for you but I can’t see you. I long for you but I can’t grasp you. Why can’t you be found? Why are you so far away? Why can’t I trust in you? Why can’t I be the way you want me to? I wait and breathe and time passes and nothing happens. What now? Am I not doing right? Am I not doing enough? Am I not choosing to think truth? I can only grope, stumble, exist. I feel because you made me to. Who am I to question you?